By Vishakha Devi Dasi
(1) Enthusiasm
‘Without enthusiasm’, Śrīla Prabhupāda writes, ‘one cannot be successful. Even in the material world, one has to be very enthusiastic in his particular field of activity in order to become successful’. (Nectar of Instruction, p. 30) When Sukanyā, a young princess, was wed to Cyavana Muni, an irritable old sādhu, she set her mind not on the apparently unfortunate match but on making a conscientious effort to do her best. She did not try to change her spouse but fully played her role, surrendered her pride and, by perseverance, succeeded in making a marriage that worked. A devotee’s enthusiasm crystallises into industriousness, which solidifies into circumstances of Kṛṣṇa conscious pleasantness and advancement.
In his introduction to Bhagavad-gita As It Is, Śrīla Prabhupāda explains that our inherent nature is to serve. In this world everyone is rendering service to someone, just as, for example, the wife serves the husband and the husband serves the wife. Both the wife and the husband can be enthusiastic in this service because, as Śrīla Prabhupāda states elsewhere, ‘Kṛṣṇa is pleased when a Vaiṣṇava is rendered service’. (Śrī Caitanya-caritāmṛta, Madhya-līlā, 5.24) If our spouse is a devotee and we are sincerely serving that person, we will benefit spiritually. ‘Anyone who wishes to advance in Kṛṣṇa consciousness must try to serve the devotees of Kṛṣṇa’. (Śrī Caitanya-caritāmṛta, Antya-līlā, 13.113)
Marriage is like a fortress created by the husband and wife to protect themselves from the powerful enemies of the uncontrolled senses and peacefully make spiritual advancement. ‘The bodily senses are considered plunderers of the fort of the body. The wife is supposed to be the commander of the fort, and therefore whenever there is an attack on the body by the senses, it is the wife who protects the body from being smashed’. (Śrīmad-Bhāgavatam 3.14.20) ‘There is no difference between a good wife and good intelligence. One who possesses good intelligence can deliberate properly and save himself from many dangerous conditions’. (Śrīmad-Bhāgavatam 4.26.16) ‘One who is situated in household life and who systematically conquers his mind and five sense organs is like a king in his fortress who conquers his powerful enemies’. (Śrīmad-Bhāgavatam 5.1.18) As in any battle, if they would be victorious, the fighters must first be enthusiastic.
(2) Gratitude
The health of the marriage depends on the health of the individuals in it, and it is gratitude that keeps those individuals healthy and free from dullness and complacency. As a household dedicated to spiritual cultivation, the gṛhastha-āśrama is founded on the spouses respecting, honouring and appreciating each other as Kṛṣṇa’s devotees. The husband thinks, ‘My wife is the sacred and holy property of her spiritual master and of Kṛṣṇa. She is not mine. If I do not honour her, if I do not respect her, if I do not protect her and provide for her, then I am a vaiṣṇava-aparādhī. I am offending a Vaiṣṇava, and it will seriously impede my spiritual progress’. Similarly, a wife sees her husband as the sacred and holy property of guru and Kṛṣṇa. She treats him as a Vaiṣṇava andis faithful and assists and serves him in his role as her husband. Each appreciates the sacrifice of the other, the generosity of the other, the loving intent of the other, and each grows in gratitude, overlooking the other’s flaws. A sane person wants nothing less than this in marriage and will make the success of such a relationship a top priority.
An example of marital appreciation from Kṛṣṇa, The Supreme Personality of Godhead: when the cowherd boyfriends of Kṛṣṇa were refused alms by the brāhmaṇas who were performing sacrifices, Kṛṣṇa sent them to the wives of those brāhmaṇas, who ecstatically provided varieties of wonderful foods for Kṛṣṇa, Balarāma and Their friends. Later, the brāhmaṇas understood their foolishness in refusing the boys and appreciated the spiritual advancement of their wives. They said, ‘Just see how fortunate these women are who have so devotedly dedicated their lives to the Supreme Personality of Godhead, Kṛṣṇa … They have surpassed all of us in firm faith and devotion unto Kṛṣṇa’. (Kṛṣṇa, The Supreme Personality of Godhead, Ch. 23)
In another place Śrīla Prabhupāda writes:
Everyone should be friendly for the service of the Lord. Everyone should praise another’s service to the Lord and not be proud of his own service. This is the way of Vaiṣṇava thinking, Vaikuṇṭha thinking … Everyone should be allowed to render service to the Lord to the best of his ability, and everyone should appreciate the service of others. Such are the activities of Vaikuṇṭha. Since everyone is a servant, everyone is on the same platform and is allowed to serve the Lord according to his ability. (Śrīmad-Bhāgavatam 7.5.12)
Sincere gratitude is an antidote for self-righteousness.
(3) Affection
Lord Kṛṣṇa told Rukmiṇī, ‘My dear beautiful wife, you know that because we are householders we are always busy in many household affairs and long for a time when we can enjoy some joking words between us. That is our ultimate gain in household life’. Śrīla Prabhupāda comments, ‘Actually, householders work very hard day and night, but all fatigue of the day’s labour is minimised as soon as they meet, husband and wife together, and enjoy life in many ways. Lord Kṛṣṇa wanted to exhibit Himself as being like an ordinary householder who delights himself by exchanging joking words with his wife’. (Kṛṣṇa, The Supreme Personality of Godhead, Ch. 60) Similarly, it is described, ‘Lord Śiva was sitting in an assembly of great saintly persons and embracing Pārvatī on his lap with his arm … For Pārvatī to be embraced by Lord Śiva was natural in a relationship between husband and wife; this was nothing extraordinary’. (Śrīmad-Bhāgavatam 6.17.5)
Also,
We always speak of the goddess of fortune as being placed on the chest of Nārāyaṇa. In other words, the wife must remain embraced by her husband. Thus she becomes beloved and well protected … Just as intelligence is always within the heart, so a beloved chaste wife should always have her place on the chest of a good husband. This is the proper relationship between husband and wife. A wife is therefore called ardhāṅganī, or half of the body. One cannot remain with only one leg, one hand or only one side of the body. He must have two sides. (Śrīmad-Bhāgavatam 4.26.17)
A prerequisite for affection is acceptance, and from acceptance grows a rich understanding and deep trust between the husband and wife. In marriages that have endured for some time, the partners are comfortably and effortlessly together, whether in dialogue or in silence. They can always be themselves, with nothing to prove, nothing to get, no need to impress. They feel mutually secure, cared for, wanted and valued. The strength of their affection allows them to enjoy each other’s company—foibles and all. Affection shifts frustration, anger and blame to friendliness, understanding and kindness.
(4) Contentment
Everyone’s goal is to enter and remain in the elusive condition called ‘happiness’. To be happy we must be peaceful. In Kṛṣṇa’s words, ‘How can there be happiness without peace?’(Bhagavad-gītā 2.66) And to be peaceful we must be content with the situation we are in, whatever it is. We accept our lot in life and are happy even if we don’t completely settle our marital discord. ‘One should be satisfied with whatever he achieves by his previous destiny, for discontent can never bring happiness’. (Śrīmad-Bhāgavatam 8.19.24) There is no element of chance in the circumstances of our life—they are the result of a law that cannot err, and they are our destiny created by our past activities. It is as futile to rail against our pains and misfortunes as it is to toil to increase our pleasures. ‘Without endeavour, one can get the amount of happiness and distress for which he is destined. And one cannot change this. Therefore, it is better to use one’s time for advancement in the spiritual life of Kṛṣṇa consciousness’. (Śrīmad-Bhāgavatam 7.7.42)
A content person may still make changes in his or her life, but those emerge from following the path of dharma and from a desire to advance spiritually, not from a gnawing dissatisfaction with the status quo. ‘For spiritual advancement, one should be materially satisfied, for if one is not materially satisfied, his greed for material development will result in the frustration of his spiritual advancement … one should not be poverty-stricken, but one must try to be fully satisfied with the bare necessities of life and not be greedy. For a devotee to be satisfied with the bare necessities is therefore the best advice for spiritual advancement’. (Śrīmad-Bhāgavatam 7.15.21)
For an example of a contented gṛhastha, we may look at the life of Mahārāja Priyavrata. Before he was married, Mahārāja Priyavrata was hearing from Nārada Muni when his father, Svāyambhuva Mahārāja, and his grandfather, Lord Brahmā, came to convince Priyavrata to become king. A student of Nārada Muni, Priyavrata Mahārāja was advanced in spiritual understanding and had no desire to rule, but since his superiors requested him, not only did he rule, but he also married Barhiṣmatī and became an apparently attached householder. As he had been content as a brahmacārī, he was also content as a husband, father and king, for he never forgot his purpose, and he conquered the modes of passion and ignorance in all their aspects—including lust, greed and envy, as well as anger, bitterness and resentment. Śrīla Prabhupāda explains, ‘Although Brahmā had forced Priyavrata to accept the management of worldly affairs, thus breaking his vow to remain brahmacārī and completely engage in devotional service, Nārada and Priyavrata did not look upon Brahmā with resentment … instead of looking upon Brahmā with resentment, they very feelingly offered him their respect’. (Śrīmad-Bhāgavatam 5.1.21)
Unlike Nārada Muni and Priyavrata, conditioned souls bind themselves to misery by holding resentments. Forgiveness (which does not necessarily mean approval of the act that caused the problem) frees one from this bondage. Contentment, then peacefulness, then happiness become a reality when we forgive, and the first person to forgive is oneself. We can’t forgive others unless we first forgive ourselves for our mistakes and character flaws.
‘One should try to keep himself satisfied in any condition of life—whether distress or happiness—which is offered by the supreme will. A person who endures in this way is able to cross over the darkness of nescience very easily’. (Śrīmad-Bhāgavatam 4.8.33) A contented person remains so through all acts of providence, whether they involve change or a lack of change. Contentment is accepting oneself, one’s partner and one’s situation with grace.
(5) A long-term vision
When King Yayāti was cursed to immediately become old, he was also benedicted that he could exchange his old age with another’s youth. Yayāti approached his son, Yadu, for this exchange, but Yadu refused, not out of defiance or a desire for sense gratification but because Yadu had a long-term Kṛṣṇa conscious vision: he wanted to use his youth to attain the renounced order in the future.
Śrīla Prabhupāda explains:
Mahārāja Yadu was very eager to engage himself in the Lord’s service, but there was an impediment: during youth the material desire to enjoy the material senses is certainly present, and unless one fully satisfies these lusty desires in youth, there is a chance of one’s being disturbed in rendering service to the Lord. We have actually seen that many sannyāsīs who accept sannyāsa prematurely, not having satisfied their material desires, fall down because they are disturbed. Therefore the general process is to go through gṛhastha life and vānaprastha life and finally come to sannyāsa and devote oneself completely to the service of the Lord. Mahārāja Yadu was ready to accept his father’s order and exchange youth for old age because he was confident that the youth taken by his father would be returned. But because this exchange would delay his complete engagement in devotional service, he did not want to accept his father’s old age, for he was eager to achieve freedom from disturbances. (Śrīmad-Bhāgavatam 9.18.40)
The husband and wife play their roles expertly so that eventually they will expertly distinguish reality from illusion, become fully self-realised and attain love of God. ‘If a man is in good consciousness, he consults with his religious wife, and as a result of this consultation, with intelligence, one advances in his ability to estimate the value of life. In other words, if one is fortunate enough to have a good, conscientious wife, he can decide by mutual consultation that human life is meant for advancing in Kṛṣṇa consciousness’. (Śrīmad-Bhāgavatam 4.27.6
(6) Kṛṣṇa consciousness
Our home is Kṛṣṇa’s property, and when we orient all the affairs of our home around its proprietor, Kṛṣṇa—around service to the Deities—then all our household activities are devotional service. If we’re Kṛṣṇa conscious, if we’re actually gṛhasthas, then everything we do is spiritual. ‘According to Bhaktivinoda Ṭhākura, a husband and wife can turn the home into a place as good as Vaikuṇṭha, even while in this material world. Being absorbed in Kṛṣṇa consciousness, even in this world husband and wife can live in Vaikuṇṭha simply by installing the Deity of the Lord within the home and serving the Deity according to the directions of the śāstras’. (Śrīmad-Bhāgavatam 4.23.29) When we worship the Deity, when we offer all our food, when we share prasādam with our family, when we regularly invite devotees to come and when we serve them prasādam, have kīrtana and discuss Kṛṣṇa topics, our home is a sacred place.
To the degree that we see our āśrama as a means to serve and please Kṛṣṇa, it will be a facility for advancing in Kṛṣṇa consciousness. To the degree that we desire material satisfaction, household life will distract us from Kṛṣṇa consciousness. ‘Generally a person cannot make much advancement in spiritual consciousness if he is married. He becomes attached to his family and is prone to sense gratification. Thus his spiritual advancement is very slow or almost nil’. (Śrī Caitanya-caritāmṛta, Antya-līlā, 13.112) Whether our marriage helps or hinders is a question of consciousness; in other words, it is up to us.
A Kṛṣṇa conscious marriage is meant to bring us into greater alignment with our spiritual nature. Śrī Caitanya Mahāprabhu advised the householder Kūrma, ‘Remain at home and chant the holy name of Kṛṣṇa always. Instruct everyone to follow the orders of Lord Śrī Kṛṣṇa as they are given in the Bhagavad-gītā and Śrīmad-Bhāgavatam … If you follow this instruction, your materialistic life at home will not obstruct your spiritual advancement. Indeed, if you follow these regulative principles, we will again meet here, or, rather, you will never lose My company’.
Śrīla Prabhupāda comments:
Many people come and inquire whether they have to give up family life to join the Society, but that is not our mission. One can remain comfortably in his residence. We simply request everyone to chant the mahā-mantra: Hare Kṛṣṇa, Hare Kṛṣṇa, Kṛṣṇa Kṛṣṇa, Hare Hare / Hare Rāma, Hare Rāma, Rāma Rāma, Hare Hare. If one is a little literate and can read Bhagavad-gītā As It Is and Śrīmad-Bhāgavatam that is so much the better. If a devotee follows the instructions of Śrī Caitanya Mahāprabhu, he lives in the company of the Lord. Wherever he lives, he converts that place into Vṛndāvana and Navadvīpa. This means that materialism cannot touch him. This is the secret of success for one advancing in Kṛṣṇa consciousness’. (Śrī Caitanya-caritāmṛta, Madhya-līlā, 7.128–9)
Similarly, when a gṛhastha resident of Kulīna-grāma asked Lord Caitanya, ‘My Lord, kindly tell me what my duty is and how I should execute it’. The Lord replied, ‘You should engage yourself in the service of the servants of Kṛṣṇa and always chant the holy name of Kṛṣṇa. If you do these two things, you will very soon attain shelter at Kṛṣṇa’s lotus feet. (Śrī Caitanya-caritāmṛta, Madhya-līlā, 16.69–70)
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